Finding the calm after the storm

I know I haven't written in a long time. Life just caught up with me and blogging was far from my mind. But I truly enjoy it and in a time like this I need to do something that I enjoy. Life has been rough the past week and a half. It's crazy to think that so much tragedy and pain can happen in such a short time.

Lets go back to the beginning. On Sunday, April 28th after three pregnancy tests, (I wanted to be really sure) T and I were ecstatic to discover that we were expecting our first child. We had waited for this day for so long and were so happy to see our dreams coming true. When we first got married we decided that we'd wait a year before we started trying. Well, life happens. We decided we weren't completely ready.....we wanted to pay off some debt first.....we decided to sell our first home and move. Things happened and here we are, almost married 3 years and we'd finally decided we were ready! We were so excited to share the news with our family and close friends. We were so ready for this!

And then, on Mother's Day things started to fall apart. We went to the emergency room only to be told that things looked okay and to just follow-up with my doctor. On Tuesday I had an appointment with my OB/GYN and they couldn't really figure out what was going on. They weren't sure if I was having a miscarriage or if I had an ectopic pregnancy. I was sent home to await blood results and based on their levels would possibly have to return that evening for surgery. I ended up not having to have surgery that day, but it was concluded the next day that I was most likely having a miscarriage. 

Last Friday I had a D&C. It was the first time I've ever been a patient in the hospital and it was the first time I'd ever experienced major anesthesia. I was very nervous to be having surgery, not to mention that it was all taking place after a tragic loss. The surgery was quick and we were back home sooner than I'd anticipated. 

The support we've received from family and friends has been tremendous. From calls, texts, cards, gifts and a homemade meal, everything has meant so much. 

I think I'm dealing with everything as best as I can. We are trying to get life back to a sense of normalcy. T is truly my rock and has been taking such wonderful care of me.  

Along with trying to heal physically I'm really struggling with figuring out why this happened. This baby was wanted so badly and we were ready. I consider myself a pretty healthy person and yet my body rejected this pregnancy. Everyone says that it's nothing you did, but it's hard to comprehend that when it was my body that did it. I start questioning everything I could have done that caused it. Did I eat something that was bad? Was my workout too intense, even though everything I'd read said it was okay as long as I felt comfortable? The list could go on and on.....but I know that I can't beat myself up about it. 

T and I are trying to stay positive and focused on the future....but I think that's the thing that scares me the most. I'm so worried that when I get pregnant again I'll be so scared it's going to happen again, and I know that stress is not good for me or the baby. I just have to remember to keep the faith. If and when the Lord blesses us with another pregnancy I will praise Him for the wonderful gift and put my trust in Him that everything will work out. 

Thank you for your prayers and support. I'll be back soon!