I was the chubby kid

  Oh, where do I begin to talk about how I weighed 220 pounds by the time I was 19 years old, how I lost more than half of that weight, and the craziness in between.
   Well...I was not extremely overweight throughout my childhood. I was also not a super skinny little kid. By the time I was 11 or 12 I was a little chunky, but not super chunky. I would say I maybe weighed 20 or so  pounds more than most of my little girlfriends. I was just as active as them, as we all played every sport in middle school. And I mean every sport! When you live in a small town you get to play everything, because there's not a ton of kids. I played volleyball, basketball, tennis, and ran track.....did I miss anything? Was I good at any of these sports? Oh, heck no! I was horrible at sports, but I wasn't going to be the only girl in my little clan who was in Athletics. So I got out there and did my darnedest! And when high school came along, I quit.

My best friend, Sarah, and I at our 8th grade Valentine's Dance

Sarah and I at my wedding, still besties!

  In high school I was a band nerd and on the school newspaper staff. Some of the pounds started packing on at that time. My Mom passed away one month into my freshman year, so that really affected my eating habits. My Mom had always been the cook in the house. She was an amazing cook and even ran her own cafe, so after she was gone we didn't really eat healthy. My Dad worked really long hours, so my brother and I were usually on our own at dinner time, and Hamburger Helper was easy. I also probably did a lot of emotional eating during that time. My Mom was gone....my world was upside down. I was about 195 pounds by the time I graduated from high school. I continued to gain weight over the next few years.
   I know this will probably sound weird, but I can't even remember my food choices or how exactly I got to 220 pounds.....mainly because I just had a huge, and I mean HUGE lack of awareness when it came to food. I convinced myself, ok lied to myself, and said that I was happy and that's all that mattered. I just ate whatever I wanted, when I wanted, and I never did any kind of exercise. Now that I've changed all that I sit back sometimes and think about certain meals that I used to eat, and I cry. Honestly, I will cry because I just don't know how I was so unaware. For one example, my Dad used to take my brother and I to school, but on the way he'd stop at a gas station in town that sold breakfast tacos, so that we could get something for breakfast. I would go inside and get two greasy breakfast tacos, a honey bun and a 21 oz. Dr. Pepper. Oh my goodness! Tear.

Me, at my HS graduation, 2003

   Ok....wipe up the tears, and let's move on.
   So....I vividly remember the time right before I started losing weight. My Dad and Stepmom decided to have a little destination wedding, so a few months afterwards they threw a big party for all our family and friends back home. I remember I was getting ready for the party, and decided to weigh myself. I don't even know how I had a scale. It was probably one of those purchases when I'd convinced myself that I was going to get healthy. Those little spurts tended to last a few days, maybe a week at the most.....and then I would again convince myself that I was happy, and that's all the really mattered. That day when I weighed myself, I was 220 pounds.
   Soon after that day some wonderful friends opened a fitness center in our little town. It was the first time we'd ever seen anything like that in a place that didn't even have a stoplight. I began working out there.....slowly, but surely. I remember when I first started I wasn't even able to do three minutes on the elliptical without feeling like death was knocking at my door.....or trying to knock me off of that machine! Three minutes!!
   I slowly began to lose weight because I went from absolutely no activity to actually moving. I don't know what motivated me to keep at it this time around, but I did. At this time I was just working out, my eating habits had not changed.
   After awhile I discovered that if I changed the way I ate and continued to exercise, I'd lose even more weight! Such a innovative and new idea, I know!
   So, when that change occurred I always say that that's when I went crazy. Once I figured out eating less helped you lose weight I took it a bit too far....ok, a lot too far! I became obsessed, and I mean OBSESSED with calories! I never went out to eat, I counted every single calorie that went into my mouth, and I wouldn't even touch anything if I didn't know exactly how many calories were in. I remember having anxiety if I knew there was an upcoming event and I wouldn't be able to control what I was going to eat. There were a lot of things going on in my life that I couldn't control, but eating was not one of them. I could completely control what I ate. I had that power.
   During this time I also became a slave to my scale. I would weigh myself every morning, and would also experience anxiety over this also.

Me, too skinny

  Food became my addiction....but not in one of those ways that you go crazy and eat tons of ice cream and oatmeal pies. I hated eating. I did not want to put calories into my body. You know how with other addictions (smoking, drinking, drugs etc.) if you have the willpower you just stop. Well, with food you can't just stop....unless you want to die. Well, I didn't want to die....even though I may have gotten pretty close.
   I never had anorexia or bulimia. Thanks to a ton of support from people in my community and church I did reach out for help. I went to a counselor for awhile. She said that I had body dysmorphic disorder, disordered eating and definitely some obsessive compulsive disorder. Let me explain the first two, as I'm sure you probably know about OCD. Body dysmorphic disorder and disordered eating both fall under the category of eating disorders, you just don't hear about them as much as anorexia or bulimia.
   Body dysmorphic disorder is defined as a chronic mental illness in which you can't stop thinking about a flaw with your appearance. I suffered from this for one main reason. When you lose a lot of weight you will be left with tons of loose skin. And, I mean a lot! I lost over 2 feet just in my waist. That was a lot of skin that had nowhere to go. Even after I'd lost over 100 pounds I still felt like I was fat, because I continued to view the loose skin as fat. I still struggle with this a little bit....but each day is a little better.
   Disordered eating is when you have an unhealthy relationship with food and/or your body. You tend to constantly think about food/meal plans, obsess about stepping on the scale, feel upset about minor fluctuations in weight, feel upset/guilty over a missed workout, restrict food intake below a healthy amount, and feel out of control about food. This was me to a perfect "T." There is nothing more to say...the definition says it all. My life, my every moment revolved around thinking (obsessing) about what I was going to eat next, and in turn, how I was going to burn it off.
   The lowest weight I got down to 103 pounds. I know you're probably thinking that's not that low, especially considering I'm only 5'3". 103 looks good on some people. 103 did not look good on this girl! My face was extremely shrunken in and bones were protruding out all over my body. Not good!
   I don't remember the exact moment that I turned "crazy" and I don't know the exact moment that I crawled back out, but thankfully I did. I actually got my weight back up to 145, but now am at a healthy and happy 125.
   I no longer obsess about calories, although I do currently still record everything that I eat. This feels safe for me. Safe is not the same as crazy....I promise. I do workout 6 days a week. A lot of my priorities have changed though. When I started this journey I wanted to lose weight so I looked better. 220 pounds didn't look good. I now focus on my eating and exercising as a healthy lifestyle. My grandmother and my mother both passed away at a very young age from cancer. I want to break the cycle and I'll do everything I can to do that.

Me, at 220 pounds

Me, at 103 pounds

Me, today at 125 pounds